Musings From the Klutz

So here I am feeling a little more comfortable going to the box now that I can do some things that the others can do. In fact, I'm feeling really confident. And while I'm feeling confident, I miss the step into the box and go flying, landing on both knees and do a face plant. Keys and water bottle go in two different directions. Two guys come over and ask me if I'm okay - one has my keys and bottle. Am I okay? Am I feeling like a klutz? Is my confidence laying all over the mat? Do I imagine everyone looking at me thinking that it's time to get her a walker because she can't step up?   I push all those thoughts over to the side and say "Yes, I'm fine. Thanks. Is there a hole I can crawl into?" Well, the comment about the hole didn't actually come out of my mouth but it did linger around the fringes.

I managed to find some of my dignity and warmed up. Then went to get what I needed for the workout - bar, (2) 10 pound weights, clips and ab mat. .I was going light today (35 pounds) because I wanted to concentrate on form, not weight. Got the bar, check. Picked up the 20 pounds of weights and moved them next to the bar, check. Went to the bucket to get the clips, check. Went back to the bar the put the weights on - Whoa Nelly. Where are the weights? Is this my bar? Yes. But my weights are no where to be found. Help Police - someone stole my weights! Damn. Go back and get the last two ten pounders and then had to hurry to put everything together before the count down. 

Did the WOD and then did the cashout. Not bad. Cashout was tabata with the bar and once you dropped the bar you were out. I was one of the last three. I lasted 3.5 minutes then was done. I'm okay with that. 

So all in all it was a good workout. Of course today I realize that I really crunched my right knee between falling on it, doing squats with the bar and jump burpees but I can happily live with pain. I just find it harder to live with the pain of humiliation.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

So I was thinking that what I really need is a goal. I don't know how much I've improved unless I know where I've come from. And, what better target date than my 65th birthday.

After consulting with my guru (Megan) I decided that I would have some lifting and core goals. I wanted to perfect the deadlift, back squat, push press, snatch and clean/jerk at 45 pounds. In addition I wanted to be able to do 10 burpees in a row without stopping.

So I go to Crossfit on Wednesday and have my usual anxiety attack before going in. I then pull up my big girl workout pants and walk in. As usual I am feeling out of the loop and like I don't belong. I'm uncomfortable stretching on my own and stay away from the other people, especially the women. I check out the two wods - one looks easy (don't they all) and one looks impossible. I ask Jillian (the trainer) for help and she helps me figure out what I want to do. I want to do Thrusters. I want to work on strength today, not endurance.

She sets me up with the lightest bar (15 pounds) and tells me to get (2) 2.5 pound weights, (2) 5 pound weights and (2) 10 pound weights. The goal is to do 3 thrusters in a minute, then add weight, do 3 thrusters in a minute, add more weight, etc. until you can't lift anymore. She places me behind another woman so I can use her as a guide.

Okay. 15 pounds - no problem. Add 2.5 weights on either side. Twenty pounds - no problem. Add 5 pound weights and it's getting a little heavy at 30 pounds. Add 10 pound weights and I'm struggling at 50 pounds but I do it three times. I'm breathing hard and almost grunting but I'm doing it. And I've got the stupidest grin on my face. And I'm thinking, OMG, OMG, OMG. I was trying for 45 pounds in three months but here I am at 50 already. I am really doing this. I'm not looking like everyone else - I'm looking like me lifting 50 pounds over my head. I'm so giddy that I do it not 3 times but 3 rounds of 3 - 9 times. I then take off the 10 pound weights and just practice my form over and over. That's okay with me.

I then sat with Carlos to plan out my next three months. I have to re-evaluate because I met my weight goal before I even started. I realize that I am selling myself short. Sure, I've only been at this a little more than a month and many of the others have been doing this for years but I'm in the trenches with everyone else. I've got sweat in my eyes like everyone else. I'm bending over trying to catch my breath like everyone else. I push myself past my breaking point like everyone else.

Will I have anxiety going into the box the next time? Probably. But I know one thing - I'm proud to say I do crossfit.

Back in the Saddle

I am back from vacation and back at the box. I am proud of my workout on Monday. Did the same thing as everyone but 3 rounds instead of 5 with a modified pull up. That is 60 pull ups, 90 pushups, 120 sit ups and 150 air squats. My poor legs were screaming the next day. Today I had trouble walking up stairs but went back today.

The wod was way too difficult for me so they had me doing the "kids" wod - row 800m, then 3 rounds of 9 burpees, 11 kb swings and 11 box jumps, ending with another 800 m row. Sounds easy, huh? They all sound easy.

I was a little angry with myself, though. I felt that they had me do this wod as a workout when I really wanted to practice my thrusters and other lifts. I need to be more assertive and say what I want.

I'm still feeling a little intimidated. When is this feeling going to go away? I think I need to set a short term goal for myself and work towards it. Maybe learn three lifts and practice them until I can lift more than a 15 lb. bar. Maybe learn to do a pull up with a band instead of jumping off a box. I will be 65 in 3 and a half months and I think I will set a goal for my birthday. Not sure what. Stay tuned.