Riding the Confidence Carousel

So this is week three of crossfit. I signed up to go three times a week. I figure if I pay the money, I do the time. I'm committed to Monday, Wednesday, and either Saturday or Sunday.

Today I found myself briefly flirting with not going. I'm going, No I'm not. Who will know? Who am I kidding? I put on my big girl workout pants and go.

Every time I go, my initial reaction is to leave immediately. Internally I start to panic - outside I am the picture of confidence. I watch these 20 and 30 somethings bend and stretch warming up. I haven't been that limber in 40 years. To me, being limber is getting out of bed without creaking. They chat with each other and leave me alone. No one wants to chat with the old lady. They aren't mean, they just know each other and don't know me.

Flashback to Saturday night and talking with Megan about my experience. I start to tear up when I tell her that I didn't realize it would be this hard. Yes, I expected some difficulty but not the soul searching, sweat dripping from the nose, bending forward to catch my breath hard. I confess that I don't know if I can do this. " Can't do" is not in my vocabulary (unless we talk about swimming but that is food for another blog) so I'm surprised at these feelings. What have I done? What have I promised myself? Megan is a great support ("Gee Mom, this is a switch - me giving YOU the pep talk"), and I calm down.

So here I am in the box and I will myself to stop thinking bad thoughts. I think, some therapist YOU are. What would you tell your clients right now? Shit, I don't care about that. I just have to get through the next hour.

So we stretch as a group. Carlos is looking my way to point out what I'm doing wrong. Geez, now what, I think as I look down but I can't see what I'm doing wrong. He gets up and walks to the person NEXT TO ME. Yay, for once I'm doing it right. Okay, I exhale.

The group is getting ready to do the WOD of the day and Carlos comes to me and explains what I'll be doing. Once again I am different than everyone else, but he does not make me feel bad. He is a good and patient teacher. He teaches me the first step in learning how to do a pull up. He only has to correct me once and I get it. I get it so much he tells me to do five in a row and I nail it - he tells me "Great". He then shows me how to do a "clean" using a medicine ball. I have to use the ball before I can use a barbell. Again he corrects me once and I am very close to getting it - I squat well, turn my hands correctly - I need to hold onto the ball.  I just need more practice. He tells me my squats are good - I must be practicing. He tells me that I have made a lot of progress - even since last week. I smile.

I tell Megan later that night. I'm feeling good.

Another ride on the confidence carousel. Feeling down and insecure, then feeling high and good. I always end the session at the upswing. I'm hoping to get stuck at the top of the carousel permanently.

 

My First Push Press - Aug 25, 2013